LILY Letter 17: Wisdom from a Sex Therapist

August 3, 2021

Sex is a vital part of a thriving marriage. Most of us, including mid-singles, know or sense that. Most know that sexual intimacy is a sacred gift, and that is why we reserve it for our most sacred and special relationship in life. But often our way of teaching these principles can be profoundly negative. We teach that our sexual impulses are both dangerous and shameful. We teach that physical intimacy is “playing with fire.” Sometimes we even teach our kids that honorable people don’t make a big deal out of sex, and that it is not very important compared to other areas of a relationship.

We asked Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife to appear on LILY Pod to talk about mid-singles and sexuality. This includes making decisions with integrity and maturity about where the “line” is for you in striving to keep the law of chastity while exploring possible relationships. It includes a lot of self-reflection about our own role in the unhealthy dynamics of former marriages that may have ended in divorce and being intentional about having healthy thoughts about ourselves as sexual beings with deep desires. Jennifer discusses healing from sexual problems in former marriages, developing healthy attitudes about sexuality, and how to explore thoughts about the meaning of marital lovemaking with a dating partner. Jennifer provides some amazing wisdom about maturing in our spiritual perspectives, exercising our agency more thoughtfully, and preparing for a better and more meaningful sexual experience in a future marriage. It is unwise to put the subject of sex aside, and just determine to deal with it after marriage. Coming to understand each other’s beliefs and feelings on this vital matter is essential to preparing for a marriage that can grow and thrive. Achieving more wisdom and maturity regarding their sexuality is something mid-singles can work on, even while single and living in celibacy. Conversation about the meaning of sex is vital for every mid-single who dreams of getting married—especially those who feel a little hopeless about it.

To create a future better than our past, we must be open to self-reflection and change. We must be willing to look in the mirror life holds up to us and see where we have made mistakes or believed in things that did not serve us. We can be intentional about achieving more self-awareness as well as choosing our thoughts with greater conscious intention. As full adults, we can intentionally choose the meanings we attach to sex, rather than demanding they be supplied by an external reference point or relying on authority figures to spell out moral limits in fine detail. We can exercise our agency with more intention to create something beautiful.

LILY Pod Episode 24: Wisdom from Jennifer Finlayson-Fife for Mid-Singles

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