We have expectations of all kinds in life. I work at my job, and expect to be paid and paid on time. I sacrifice food I might like to eat, and I expect to lose weight. We could go on and on about things we expect. Expectations are sometimes necessary in the market economy of value exchange. If I had an employee that stopped working, it would not be right to continue paying him or her. A value for value exchange is how we treat each other in the marketplace. I exchange something I have for something I consider to be of higher value to me. The other party considers the thing they received to be of higher value to them than what they gave me. Both people win.
Expectation is the enemy of unconditional love because, by definition, expectations are a condition we place on our love.
We are mortal and we all operate our relationships with expectations to some extent. I expect Cathy not to cheat on me. It seems like a reasonable expectation, right? But if she decided to violate that expectation, what could I really do about it? I would have choices to make about the relationship at that point. But I don't think there is anything I could do to stop her. (To be clear, this example is purely hypothetical, and not something I believe I will ever have to confront in our marriage.)
Expectations create a sense of obligation, which eventually becomes a crushing burden. You don't have to answer this question in the comment thread. However, if you are divorced, I would like you to consider whether your former spouse felt crushed under the burden of your expectations. Don't dismiss the question out of hand. Really ponder it. Were you hard to please and dissatisfied a lot of the time? I know everyone has a story. I also know no one is perfect. I think this is a question worth pondering, even if I would agree that your spouse mistreated you.
Do your children exist to make you proud? No. It's great when they do. But they exist because they are inherently valuable children of Our Father in Heaven with Divine potential. The parents who are most exacting about their children's performance are those that are living vicariously through them.
How do I set a standard without using expectations and punishments? First of all, I need to model the behavior I want to see. I can't expect my spouse to refrain from cheating on me if I am out there cheating on her right? I can't be guilty of inappropriate conduct on my phone and expect her to avoid the same thing in using her phone. (Again, purely a hypothetical example.) So, the first thing I need to do to create standards is to focus on what I can control--and that is myself. And that means following the golden rule by treating her as I want her to treat me. That is especially true of our spouses, but also true in other relationships.
Cathy and I have both known divorce. But we know a few things we didn't know during our first marriages. These include things about conflict management, creating a lopsided ratio of positive comments to negative ones, and the principle that "when you are in pain the world stops and I listen." I could go on and on about the things we've learned about making relationships work. We are still learning. I could also choose to punish my wife whenever she makes a mistake and doesn't follow one of these principles perfectly. However, that would be counterproductive and, in fact, would violate some of the principles we've learned and agreements we've made.
Trying to set expectations for people and punish violations is setting yourself up for a very difficult life. Let me illustrate. Let's suppose I have a good friend who is emotionally stuck in his divorce story. Every time I am with him, he talks about it constantly and I feel emotionally drained and dragged down by it. I could set expectations and tell him, "Look buddy, if you can't start being more positive in our conversations, I'm going to have to stop hanging out with you." That is an option. But there are other options.
If your son or daughter is not living up to his or her potential in school, there might be a place for some non-judgmental conversation about why this is occurring and what can be done. But, in the main, you will do better by creating an environment where kids optimistically anticipate being successful--not where they fear punishment for being unsuccessful and live in fear and anxiety about your displeasure.
Let me also be clear that you don't get to have a boundary about your children's homework or your spouse's employment, or anything else that is outside your responsibility. Your spouse not making enough money or your children not making good enough grades is not a boundary violation.
So let me be clear. Expectations dishonor other people's agency. You expect other people to perform in their own spheres up to certain standards to meet some need or desire of your own. It places unfair burdens on other people to be responsible for your happiness or well-being. Boundaries are merely giving clear consequences to protect yourself from abusive conduct. I don't get to have a boundary about things that aren't my business or my responsibility. Boundaries are to protect my agency--not to limit the agency of others.
I have heard John Gottman attack the idea that expectations are bad by saying that research shows that people with high expectations do better in every area of life--including relationships. However, I think Gottman is talking about a different use of the word, "expectations." I think he is talking about optimistic expectations. If I optimistically anticipate that my wife will be nice to me, I am more likely to treat her nicely and create the outcome I expect. If I create a negative "expectation" that she had better treat me nicely because I "expect" it, I am guarded and defensive, and much more likely to treat her poorly and create the opposite of what I want.
The kind of expectation I am warning you about objectifies other people. It is expecting other people to do or refrain from doing things to gratify my own pride or vain ambition (see D&C 121:37). It is putting my agenda for the other person ahead of that person's own desires and well-being.