The divorce was not about adultery or other dishonest behavior. There was no physical abuse involved. Instead, it was a very common dynamic. The husband was a very passive sort of person. He didn't readily express emotion. He was one of those very agreeable sort of people who just wants everybody around him to be happy. His wife was a much more passionate person, and was never really satisfied with the level of emotional intensity he brought to the marriage. She was inclined to "turn up the volume" in order to be heard and in the attempt to provoke an emotional response.
This sad story has a number of elements that can be instructive to us.
Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has sometimes talked about how, early in her marriage, she would push her husband John to be more expressive in his feelings for her. She came to a point of realization that this wasn't who she married. She had dated plenty of guys who might have been more expressive. She chose John for other reasons, including his openness to her feedback and basic kindness toward her. She knew he loved her and that was enough. So don't try to change your partner to be what you want, whether you are dating or married.
Once you are married, appreciate what you have. Remember the reasons you married your spouse. If you married someone who is not very expressive, look for the other ways he or she shows love. ”The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is a good book that can help you understand how to look for the way your partner shows and receives love.
I do understand the frustration of being with a partner that is extremely passive. My first wife was very much that way. I sometimes said provocative things in a misguided attempt to get something back indicating any kind of concern for me or our marriage. She was disengaged even when the most sensitive issues were on the table--especially when the most sensitive issues were on the table. In the moments when it seemed like our marriage was on the line, she literally had nothing to say. I felt like yelling and screaming. I never did.
The main point here is that yelling and screaming or saying provocative words or threatening divorce is not going to change your partner, except to encourage him or her to believe that he or she married a lunatic.
We yell and scream when we are in fight or flight mode. This happens when we are emotionally flooded. In those circumstances, you say damaging things you don't mean, make threats, and both of you come out feeling less safe in your relationship.
I think, sometimes, popular culture and media encourage us to express our frustration with our loved ones by yelling and screaming. I grew up watching The Brady Bunch, where kids talk respectfully to their parents, and their parents talk calmly and respectfully to each other, even when they disagree. Sometime in the last 4 decades, we have television shows that depict people shouting back and forth about their disagreements. It will show one frustrated lover telling the other one off for being uncommitted or some other relationship offense. Kids on TV are often sassy to their parents and our own kids talk to us that way unless we are intentional about teaching them different.
3. Listen and do your best. You can't be someone else to please your partner or eventual spouse. But that is not a license to be selfish either. Try to learn your partner's love languages and give him or her the things that help him or her feel loved--even if it is outside your comfort zone. (Please read this comment for yourself and not to hold over your partner.)
For most of us who have found ourselves in the community of mid-singles, being intentional is essential to creating relationship communication patterns that feel both safe and connected.