TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT SEX
In a recent lesson from "Come Follow Me," we discussed "lust" and its potentially damaging influence, particularly with regard to pornography. We also talked about how sex between a married couple who love each other is a beautiful thing. We encouraged my two stepsons to come to us if they had questions about sex, rather than going to friends who probably don't really know anything or to pornography, which does not give an accurate picture.
Well, this morning, my 11 year-old stepson came to me and asked, "have you guys ever had sex?" I said, "me and your mom?" He replied, "yeah." I said, "yes, we have it often, usually about two or three times a week." He asked, "Is it only when we aren't here?" (They are at their dad's half of the time.) I replied, "We keep it private, but it is sometimes when you guys are here."
I tried not to chuckle at these sincere questions. But I am glad he came to me instead of asking school friends or finding heaven knows what on the internet.
The truth is, I WANT him to know that his mom and I have a sexual relationship and that we enjoy our sexual relationship. I want him to know that his mom is a whole person and not just a provider of services for him. I want him to know that Barney Stinson and Jerry Seinfeld are not having all the fun. He doesn't need to know the details of our sex life course. We wouldn't expose him to that in any way. He wouldn't be allowed to ask every day whether something happened the night before. Those details are more private. But I don't want the kids growing up thinking there is something shameful about lovemaking between married people who love each other deeply or believing that this is a dangerous or evil part of their natures. I want them to understand that sex is a bonding experience and an important and even a sacred sacrament of the marital relationship.
Friends, especially you who are single parents, you have a sacred responsibility to teach this subject. Many of us, in an effort to discourage our kids from getting involved in sex too early, unwittingly teach them that it is dangerous and evil, and it causes problems in a lot of marriages later on because people are taught to think of it as carnal, sensual, and devilish. Compared to that point of view, Jerry Seinfeld's TV personality seems to be a lot more fun. Single parents who are trying to live the law of chastity are limited in how much they can model the fruits of a satisfying and exclusive sexual relationship. However, you can teach and be an example of someone who keeps the law of chastity, while longing for that kind of love that you can only give and receive in marriage.
There are literally millions of voices talking about sex to our kids everyday. They are exposed to a variety of different beliefs and ideas from casual sex on TV sitcoms to violent pornography. The exposure of latter-day Saint children to pornography before the age of 18, is 100%. So they need a perspective from you that is uplifting and grounded in creating a future marriage that is united and loving. They need to know that dating and sex is not a competitive sport. It is a way of expressing feelings so powerful that words are not enough. It is also an important way of smoothing out some of the rough spots in marriage. Our children are not going to get these positive messages from the world. They are not going to get them on the Internet, on television, or in movies. If they are to get them, it has to come from you. Please, let it come from you.
ON THOUGHTS AND ADVERSITY
In 1 Nephi 17:1, Nephi described the adversity he and his family went through as they traveled in the wilderness after their exodus: "And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness."
Yet his prevailing thoughts were overwhelmingly positive and hopeful. Immediately following these words, Nephi exclaims:
"And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness."
(1Nephi 17:2-3.) It is amazing that Nephi was so positive under these conditions, while Laman and Lemuel murmured in dissatisfaction and misery. This scriptural passage fits the promise given by President Monson that, "The Lord shapes the back to bear the burden placed upon it." As a single parent, you may have felt the miracle of receiving unnatural strength to bear the burdens of parenthood alone. You may have been given miracles that allow you to feed your children better than you thought you could while being both mother and father in some ways. Your ”wilderness" is no less real than the one Lehi's family wandered in.
The truth is, most of you mid-singles are survivors. You have figured out how to survive trials and trauma. Your bigger problem, in many cases, is figuring out how to thrive and be happy. And make no mistake, they are entirely different skill sets.
Your brain is wired for survival. It stays on alert for danger. It does not distinguish between physical and emotional peril. In fact, it desperately wants acceptance and belonging. In primitive times, being rejected by your tribe would probably mean starvation and vulnerability to predators and the elements. Your brain knows this and intuitively responds with fear when you are rejected by someone you may have offered love (or to possibly create love). This survival instinct is very powerful, and it has a tendency to override our happiness. It often keeps us survivors stuck in anxiety. Happiness depends, in no small degree, on being able to switch off that survival instinct in situations that do not truly require it. If you are like me, you may have found that all of your prior success in life was based on fear. I think I got through law school and motivated myself to study by fearing failure. That is one example. There are thousands. If you try to find a deeper and more healthy source of motivation, it can feel like giving up your security blanket. You may cling to your anxiety and pain even harder for awhile.
Nephi demonstrated this skill when he focused on the blessings of the Lord, and showed faith in Him to take care of his family in the wilderness. The result was that he could relax into his situation, celebrate the blessings of the Lord, and create inner peace that his older brothers could not. Nephi demonstrates this positive quality again in the same chapter, stating, "notwithstanding we had suffered many afflictions and much difficulty, yea, even so much that we cannot write them all, we were exceedingly rejoiced when we came to the seashore; and we called the place Bountiful, because of its much fruit.” (1Nephi 17:6.) He "exceedingly rejoiced" notwithstanding great afflictions.
We often hear people say things like, " I am not a pessimist. I am a realist." They will then go on to paint a very gloomy picture of life or their circumstances -- not even realizing that most of it is interpretation rather than fact, and it's just a story they are telling themselves.
What kind of stories do mid-singles tell themselves?
"There are no good men out there."
"Women are all drama queens and crazy."
"Dating is hard and it's not worth the struggle."
"No one finds me attractive."
"I am past my prime and not beautiful / handsome anymore."
"Men are only after one thing."
"All women want is a guy with money."
"Being a single parent is hard because you're totally on your own."
"I have no time to take care of myself, because my whole life is about other people."
We could go on, but this is enough to illustrate the point. Are these Nephi kinds of words, or Laman and Lemuel kinds of words? Do these beliefs lead to happiness or to misery?
Let's try on some different beliefs:
"God has a loving plan for me, and everything I've suffered is taking me to a better place."
"My losses have prepared me for a better love."
"I have many friends in my life, and there are plenty of other people who are willing to be my friends and lend mutual love and support."
"There are many good single men in the church."
"There is an abundance of amazing women in the church."
"Most people want to love and be loved, aside from material things."
"Sex is a beautiful and holy part of married life, and I eagerly await the arrival of this gift."
"I owe it to myself and my children to take good care of myself, and to show love and compassion to myself as a child of God."
Which of these thoughts is more elevating? Which is more calculated to lead to happiness and peace? Do you feel more peace when you believe that you are on your own in a cruel world, or when you believe that a loving God has a plan for you, and you are surrounded by friends who love and support you? You might even ask yourself which of these sets of beliefs is more in harmony with how the gospel sees us as children of God with the potential to become like Him. Nephi understood that gratitude for God's blessings, and seeing them as abundant, created more joy and light.
As mid-singles, many of you have learned to survive. You have already won that medal. You have learned to survive by feeling anxious and fearful, and trying to solve everything that is wrong. Now, move into the light and learn better how to be happy and thrive by shifting your thoughts from fear and lack to abundance, joy, and love.

A smile creates high vibrational energy and high vibration leads to smiling easily and effortlessly. It has a synergistic effect. We can share that energy with others just by holding it within ourselves, by focusing on the good in our lives and in the world no matter our circumstances. Gratitude boosts joy and is a great catalyst for natural happy smiles! πŸ˜€πŸ’•

As humans, we tend to be hard on ourselves. It's easy to see where we fall short and get overwhelmed by all the things we have left on our to-do lists. We have found that by intentionally recognizing and celebrating what we do well each day, we can celebrate our "wins." It's therapeutic to the soul and leads to more smiles, inside and out. Cheers to intentionally cultivating happy high-vibrational thoughts! πŸ˜€

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