This is my Zoom coaching space. I had a great session this morning with one of my awesome clients. It feels so good to connect with and assist mid-singles as they intentionally create the life they desire. It's rewarding and we are so thankful for every opportunity we have to make a positive difference in the lives of those who are ready for positive change through our LILY Coaching program.
If you are interested in booking a free consult with Jeff or Cathy, email us at email@example.com
A FEW THOUGHTS ON STEP-PARENTING AND SINGLE PARENTING
We just celebrated Mother's Day and I know it is a bittersweet holiday for many in our community. For some of my mid single friends, the years when they could become mothers by bearing children have already passed them by. For others, they face the task of parenting alone. Still others face the task of parenting someone else's children, for whom another "mother" will always have that singular honor. Some have more than one of these factors going on. For some men in this community, the experience with their own mothers or former wives has not lived up to the hype that is so often associated with the holiday.
Owning and managing our own emotions and expectations about Mother's Day is important. Regardless of her failings, your mother gave you something important. Obviously, she gave you life. Additionally, there are other things to learn. Tony Robbins has often said that he appreciates his abusive mother and that he would not have become the man he is without having her to contend with, and without the desperation of the circumstances he grew up with. We can look with envy at the mothers some other people had and wish it could have been the same in our own lives. But consider that God knew what He was doing when he assigned you to the mother he did. If you did not have the warmth and love you craved, learn from that and create it for yourself, your children, your grandchildren, or your nieces and nephews.
Deseret Book President Sheri Dew has not yet married and never had children of her own. She is 67 years old and beyond the years when becoming a mother is a realistic possibility in this life. She has become a favorite aunt to her nieces and nephews, having them for overnight slumber parties and taking them on trips with her. While I'm sure it has been a painful thing to go through life without a companion and missing out on becoming a mother, she has had a major role in the lives of her nieces and nephews.
For those who find themselves single parenting, whether through death or divorce, remember that joy remains available. It's not only about the bills. It's also about the memories. My grown sons remember our many road trips to cheap vacation destinations like national parks. They remember video parties, making tacos on Friday night, and bedtime. For many single moms, I know it is similar. Even if resources are tight, you can find ways to create a sense of family. Rituals, traditions, and moments working together can help.
For step parents, it is important to relax into the role. I am aware of some stepparent situations in very traditional families where Dad brings home a new wife and effectively says, "This is your new mother and you will call her 'mom'." Not a wise move. The kids need time to adjust. Once in awhile my step-kids slip and call me "dad" and it always makes me smile. But I know they have a dad and I choose to honor that.
At first, most of the discipline should be done by the natural parent, allowing the stepparent to behave more like a friend at first. (There are always exceptions where a step-parent needs to step in, such as when the natural parent isn't present or if the misbehavior is directed at the parent. I step in to correct if my step kids are speaking rudely to their mother.)
I take each of my step-sons on a one-on-one "outing" every few months where I buy him dinner or do an activity he wants to do. (One of them really likes the Lego store.) It is also a chance to talk with them about some of the deeper things. It isn't an interview. I want it to be a lot more informal than that. You don't get the real information in an interview. But when I am out one-on-one with one of the kids, they naturally open up to me a lot more than they would in the family setting or if I pulled one of them aside to talk in their room. I used to do outings with my biological children when they were growing up too. They look forward to it and I think it helps to create a separate bond with each of them. I think step kids need to know that you care about them individually and not just their parent. Step parents run into trouble when they try to make a marriage with the parent and sort of ignore the kids.
If you don't have kids of your own but you marry someone with kids, it may be tempting to be over eager about your chance to be a parent. I know I have a meaningful role in the lives of my step kids. But I wasn't there until they were ages 7 and 11. So I've had to earn it. My youngest stepchild had a hard time at first because he felt replaced by me in the life of his mother. I know there were times when he kind of resented me. Patience and persistence pays off. He has definitely come around and he loves me now. But you need to expect those adjustments to take time and be patient with it. Trying to force a relationship generally has the opposite effect to the one you intend. If you are a step-mom who's only chance to be a mother is with your step kids, a little patience will pay big dividends.
When you have two sets of kids that were partially raised in different households with different rules and customs, it takes a while to integrate those systems and it is complicated. Both parents will tend to prefer the way they did things before. Kids will have certain expectations based on past history. It takes a certain amount of flexibility on the part of everyone involved to make it work. I don't think it is inherently bad for kids. Eventually, they are going to marry and merge their life with someone who grew up in a different system. If they learn to adjust and be flexible as children, that will be good for them even if it makes them a little uncomfortable. And chances are good it will make them a lot uncomfortable. Your own kids will expect you to side with them in disputes with their step brothers or sisters, and you may be naturally inclined to do just that. Being even handed may tug at your heartstrings a little bit. Trying to understand and navigate these complicated emotions will be a growing experience for all of you.
In a larger sense, every family has its issues. Sometimes the idea that things got really complicated because we have a blended family is just a story we are telling ourselves. All families are complicated and have their issues. A blended family requires us to be more intentional about how we do things. It requires us to be flexible and communicate more clearly with our spouses, children, and stepchildren. It requires an intentional effort to create family rituals and customs that provide an identity to our family as a cohesive unit where everyone feels included. But it is worth it!
Remember, however you became a mother, the real important principles are the same. Whether you are a mother, stepmother, or favorite auntie, the underlying principle is love. Love takes time but it is the thing in life that gives meaning to all the rest.
In teaching time management, Stephen Covey and Hyrum Smith taught four divisions for how we might categorize possible uses of our time:
1. Urgent and important
2. Important but not urgent
3. Urgent but not important, and
4. Not urgent and not important
Essentially, where most people get confused and waste their time is between Quadrants 2 and 3. Quadrant 1 will demand your attention. It creates anxiety. Quadrant 3 also screams at you because it must be done now or the opportunity may expire. A ringing phone is urgent. It is in Quadrant 1 if it is an offer for a job interview. It is in Quadrant 3 if it is a survey call. Quadrant 3 screams at you, even though it may not be relatively important. Quadrant 2 does not scream at you, even though it is important. Covey taught that a key secret of success is in prioritizing Quadrant 2 over Quadrant 3 -- even though Quadrant 3 is louder. What is in Quadrant 2? A few examples:
Creating processes in business
Of course, these priorities depend on your values. But the most important results of your parenting don't typically show up right away -- but are nonetheless very important. The health benefits of exercise do not typically show up right away. But over time a failure to exercise can create disastrous results, where exercise includes undeniable long-term health benefits. It is unlikely that failing to go on a date this weekend means that you will never meet your eternal companion. But I think you would agree that meeting an eternal companion and building a relationship is very important to most of us.
As mid-singles, we tend to be pretty busy people. In many areas, it feels like one person trying to do the work of two. It is often tempting to push off important self-care like exercise and sleep, to accomplish the more urgent items on our task list, even if many of the tasks are in Quadrant 3.
In my values system, dating is in Quadrant 2 for Latter-day Saint singles. It doesn't demand your attention. If you don't go on a date this weekend, nothing fundamental is going to change because of that. BUT, if you don't go on a date this weekend, nothing fundamental is going to change BECAUSE of that. (Yes, I am saying the same thing twice, but with different emphasis in the second sentence.) The stakes are very high in dating. But it also requires time and patience, and a lot of lesser priorities clamor for our attention. Almost every priority we have feels more urgent -- even if they aren't as important to your long-term happiness.
I am urging you to look at the priorities in your life, and make sure that where you are spending your time is in accordance with your values -- whatever that means to you. I am especially passionate about self care for mid-singles. Mid-singles with kids tend to put everyone else before themselves and operate from a chronically empty tank. If we focus more on Quadrant 2 and a little less on Quadrant 3, Quadrant 1 will start to shrink and demand less of our attention.
In my experience, you don't need to be obsessive about dating. You just need to consistently make time for it, just like sleep and exercise and other Quadrant 2 priorities. If you do that, I believe you are going to find what you are looking for.
HaPpY StaR WaRs DaY!!! May the force of God's love and the spirit of personnel revelation bless your life today and throughout the year. And HaPpY CiNcO MaYo!!! We enjoy celebrating obscure holidays and this week, we celebrated two-in-one! For Star Wars Day, we watched Return of the Jedi and for Cinco de Mayo, we ate Jeff's mouth-watering carne asada tacos and Emily's amazing guacamole. Watching a Star Wars classic while eating homemade Mexican food is a great combination!
17th century English poet Robert Herrick penned these immortal words about a very mortal subject:
Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
(Robert Herrick,To the Virgins to Make Much of Time.) One of the great advantages of middle-age is that you are old enough to know but young enough to do. The great disadvantage of middle-age is being painfully aware of how fleeting it is. Childhood felt like one eternal summer. Youth passed more quickly but still seemed to go on for a good long while. Middle age snuck up on me. I don't believe there was one day when I woke up and just realized, "Okay, I am no longer a young man. I am now middle-aged."
So what rosebuds will you gather while you still have time? What kind of memories will you make with your children if you have them? What contribution will you make to the world?
Will you follow Herrick's advice, "Then be not coy, but use your time, And while ye may, go marry"? (I think a lot of us are pretty "coy" when the subject of marriage arises. Nothing makes a middle aged single feel more vulnerable.) When Cathy and I were married I was 50 years old -- which is three years younger than I am now. I don't lament that I didn't meet her when I was a newly returned missionary. (She was only 9 anyway.) I am glad that we have an eternity because we started a little late. With an eternal perspective, starting at 50 isn't much different from 21.
On the other hand, however old you are today, you are younger than you will ever be again. It is ok if you went through some trauma and don't feel ready to get married yet -- as long as you know what you want long-term, and don't become complacent about it.
We started Love in Later Years in part to encourage you to live the second half of your life with more enthusiasm than the first half. We want you to rediscover the belief that marriage and family life can be joyful and rewarding. So take that trip to Disneyland with your kids, take those art classes you always wanted to take when it never seemed practical, get that college degree, start that business, and pluck up the courage to ask that beautiful or handsome friend to have dinner with you.
We often talk about the trials that inevitably come in every human life. But life is to be lived, not merely endured. So gather your rosebuds and live it well.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong spoke about single adult members of the Church in April Conference:
"During this life, we sometimes wait upon the Lord. We may not yet be where we hope and wish to be in the future. A devout sister says, 'Waiting faithfully upon the Lord for His blessings is a holy position. It must not be met with pity, patronizing, or judgment but instead with sacred honor.' In the meantime, we live now, not waiting for life to begin.
Isaiah promises, 'They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint' (Isaiah 40:31)."
President M. Russell Ballard expanded on this theme of waiting on the Lord as follows:
"[T]he precise time and manner in which the blessings of exaltation are bestowed have not all been revealed, but they are nonetheless assured. President Dallin H. Oaks explained that some of the circumstances 'of mortality will be set right in the Millennium, which is the time for fulfilling all that is incomplete in the great plan of happiness for all of our Father’s worthy children.' That doesn’t mean that every blessing is deferred until the Millennium; some have already been received, and others will continue to be received until that day.
[W]aiting upon the Lord implies continued obedience and spiritual progress toward Him. Waiting upon the Lord does not imply biding one’s time. You should never feel like you are in a waiting room. Waiting upon the Lord implies action. I have learned over the years that our hope in Christ increases when we serve others. Serving as Jesus served, we naturally increase our hope in Him.
The personal growth one can achieve now while waiting upon the Lord and His promises is an invaluable, sacred element of His plan for each one of us. The contributions one can make now to help build up the Church on earth and to gather Israel are much needed. Marital status has nothing to do with one’s capacity to serve. The Lord honors those who serve and wait upon Him in patience and faith."
These are reassuring promises that the blessings of marriage and exaltation are assured, notwithstanding any pity, patronizing, or judgment you may receive because of your single status. Yet waiting is not simply biding our time in a “waiting room.” It implies action. Our mid-single years were a time of tremendous growth. We testify that your personal growth combined with acts of service will prepare you to be a better dating partner and a better spouse. Treasure this time for the gift that it is; focus on building yourself and the kingdom of God.